Yes, I know I’m driving you crazy – and I just don’t care

canstockphoto4701270To the guy in the car behind me:

Yes, I’m that @#&! idiot who’s hogging the middle lane and making you late for work.

And you know what? I couldn’t give a damn.

The left-hand lane is full of lorries who are restricted to 60 mph, and as they slow down to 40 every time we reach a hill, I’m not getting stuck behind them. If the road clears, I’ll pull in and let you pass, but until then you’ll just have to wait.

The right-hand lane is packed with maniacs zipping along at 90 miles an hour. If you want to overtake me, try pulling out in front of one of them. Please. You deserve each other.

Believe me, I know you want to get past. Yes, I did actually manage to figure that out when you flashed your headlights and tried to frighten me by driving close to my back bumper. Bad luck – I stopped being impressed by temper tantrums when I had kids!

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Time to dump this tired idea: why the Poop Scene has to go

toiletroll-300x152I don’t like to mention it, but… frankly, I’m the only one, these days.

Talking about such matters used to be unthinkable – the epitome of Things That Were Just Not Done in polite society. Every family had their own private word for it to avoid flushes of embarrassment when our tiny tots let it slip out in front of visitors. Even the room where it happened frequently had a euphemistic name: the little girls’ room, the smallest room, etc.

But since the 1970s, humour seems to have gone down the pan. The floodgates opened and the brown tide oozed in. The unmentionable has become the almost-unavoidable.

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Breaking news: nothing happened today

canstockphoto3810847Here is the news…

Nothing much happened today, so we’re going to witter on for hours about the stuff we told you yesterday. And the day before. And in the last two news bulletins. And in the headlines a few seconds ago.

Yes, even though there have been no new developments. And we’ve already told you two hours ago that we won’t know any more about it until tomorrow.

Here with us in the studio is someone who isn’t particularly famous, attractive or interesting and who has no more expert knowledge about it than you do. So, what can you tell us about the situation?

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