Here is the news…
Nothing much happened today, so we’re going to witter on for hours about the stuff we told you yesterday. And the day before. And in the last two news bulletins. And in the headlines a few seconds ago.
Yes, even though there have been no new developments. And we’ve already told you two hours ago that we won’t know any more about it until tomorrow.
Here with us in the studio is someone who isn’t particularly famous, attractive or interesting and who has no more expert knowledge about it than you do. So, what can you tell us about the situation?
“Well, as I’ve been sitting in the studio with you for the last two hours, I don’t know any more about it than I said in our interview back then, but hey, it’s great to get all this TV coverage to develop my career as a boring old wombat. Obviously, as we’ve already said, that stuff happened yesterday. We really won’t have any more information about it until tomorrow, but that won’t stop me from repeating all the points that you’ve just made twice…”
Thank you for your insights on the situation. For those of you who’ve had your head in a box for the last three days, we’ll just summarise the basic points again.
Now let’s go live to our reporter on the scene, for no good reason other than we’re paying their wages for hanging around annoying the people who are actually trying to deal with the problem. So, what can you tell us about what’s been happening?
“Obviously, I’ve got nothing more to add, as nothing new has happened for two days, but I’ll go over the same old ground while we show some stock footage you’ve already seen just to irritate you, and as we haven’t been able to get our cameras close enough to see anything exciting, I’ll interview someone boring who doesn’t know much about it either. Then just to conclude I’ll repeat everything yet again in case you can’t remember it from 40 seconds ago. And now, back to the studio.”
OK, we’ll leave it there, thank you. As we said earlier, we’re not expecting any more information about the situation until tomorrow, so even though you’d have to be brain-dead not to know about this already, we’ll just tell you all the main points again for the umpteenth time to fill up the programme. After all, it’s not as if there’s an entire world containing almost 7 billion people doing stuff in nearly 200 countries, so clearly we can’t find anything else newsworthy to talk about while we’re waiting.
We’ll have updates on the situation at regular intervals throughout the day, and an in-depth News Special tonight to go into the situation in detail with lots more dull people who don’t know any more than they read about it in the Times this morning.
And now, the news summary…