Unconditional love: why I didn’t bury my son under the patio

Oh, I considered it, of course. More than once.

Who couldn’t love my adorable son, Paul, playing with his puppet in a sunlit garden? That was the easy part.

Sadly, unconditional love doesn’t work that way.

I loved him before he was born.

And I loved him as a snuggly baby, as a cute toddler, as a happy and curious child, as an intelligent and fun-loving young teenager… and it was still a piece of cake.

And I still loved my son when he became a cruel and bitter monster from the depths of hell.

‘Going through a phase,‘ I think they call it. ‘Having issues.’

No, no, no, that really doesn’t cover it.

Paul bullied his younger brother without mercy whenever I wasn’t there to protect him. He swore, lied, stole, shot holes in my window-blinds with an airgun, dismantled the computer I needed for my university degree every time I turned my back and left my treasured family bookcases in a sea of broken glass.

Our house was a war-zone – the rows were beyond imagining.

I couldn’t kick him out, as he was still under age. And I wouldn’t have done, anyway – I didn’t see why someone else should put up with Paul if his own mother couldn’t.

It reached the point where I dreaded coming home for fear of what I might find – on one occasion I returned just in time to stop Paul from lighting a home-made Molotov cocktail in our tiny garden!

Loving someone unconditionally can be a terrible burden. For both of you.

For you, because you can’t walk away. And for them, because they’re vulnerable. They’re so terrified that they can’t live up to your expectations that they sabotage the relationship on purpose. And then they feel so angry and ashamed that they do something worse, just to test whether you still love them.

The impetus for change or self-improvement has to come from inside ourselves – we can make suggestions, but we can’t force it on someone else. All we can do is be supportive. Sometimes, all you can do to help someone is to reassure them that there’s nothing they can do to lose your love. Then keep your head down.

I was never seriously tempted to poison my son’s food and hide his body under the patio, because I knew that the real Paul was still in there somewhere, under all that pain. The funny, imaginative, lovable Paul that was worth waiting for.

Luckily, this story has a happy ending, because unconditional love won.

So Paul didn’t end up as a sadistic serial killer or a homeless drug addict, as I sometimes feared. He found the courage to overcome his teenage angst, face his problems and sort out his life. And he learned to express his emotions in a less destructive way before I ran out of furniture.

He’s now in a steady job, happily married to the best daughter-in-law I could ever hope for, with two delightful, well-behaved young children. (Hah! You wait, Paul!)

So it was worth it.

If your family is being ripped apart by someone you love, the best advice I can give you is: stop digging that hole under the patio, hang in there if you possibly can, remind yourself of their good qualities and keep telling them you will always love them. And one day, you’ll all find a better life.

The other day, I came across a poem I wrote twenty years ago for my teenage son. It reminded me of a quote from L.P. Hartley: ‘The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there.’ I’m glad I don’t have a passport – because I never want to go back.

BATTLE

The fragile truce is shattered once again

Our home of peace becomes a scene of war

You surge with feelings that you don’t restrain

Such angst, such fear, such enmity, such pain

So great the battles for so little gain

No certainty of what you’re fighting for

 

Those days when all you do is lie in bed

Your hopes and memories combined to keep

You writhing in a sea of red

With evil pleasure seething in your head

Consumed with hatred, loathing, loss and dread

A warrior trapped within a tortured sleep

 

Those times when basic sanity is lost

The reign of terror rages for an hour

You fight for freedom at whatever cost

Destroy the bridges that you could have crossed

Escape the echoes of your last riposte

And leave behind the victims of your power

 

At last the latest armistice is signed

And then, the conflict over, you can rest

Survey the devastation left behind

The hardest thing to conquer’s yet to find

When what you really need is peace of mind

Return to seek the one who loves you best

 

We learn to hide our feelings as we grow

But under all the misery and grief

The bitterness and cruelty you show

Are in my psyche too; they never go

You are more like me than you’ll ever know

I suffer just the same, but underneath

 

So fight the dark emotions of your teens

Destroy your desperation and despair

Escape your world of pain and silent screams

A strong survivor of these anguished scenes

Control the future and achieve your dreams

And find, despite your fears, I’ll still be there

 

© Emily Lock